Personal Paradox

Hey X,

I feel unwanted today. Like a broken toy or an old piece of clothing. Dusty. Worn out. Torn. Out of place. Replaceable. I don’t know if it is normal to feel all these bad things at once. What I am sure of is that this is something I wouldn't want any person I love to feel.

I also feel helpless. No power. No means to actually create a fire, let alone spark a plug.

I feel numb and hurt both at the same time. I cannot explain why and I feel embarrassed even to myself to admit why.

I guess this is the price you have to pay when you are aloof, frigid, cold, and emotionally distant. When you push people away and far from you.

But sometimes, all I want is for them to pull me closer the harder I push them away. Sometimes, all I want is for them to need me back.

And yet again, I am selfish and I always ask for too much.

Not that you listen but thanks,

N