We live in
an imperfect world, a world so imperfect that the society’s flaws seem customary.
But I do not understand why this should be the case. We are imperfect but
imperfection is not tantamount to hopelessness and helplessness. And even if it
is, being hopeless and helpless don’t mean you have to continuously go with the
flow and stick with the status quo. They say this is life and this is life as
we know it. Wrong. Life is what we make of it. And your life is the product of
the series of choices and turns you do each day.
Right now, I
am a 23- year old Filipino Registered Nurse who graduated from nursing school
and passed the local board examination on April and August of 2011 respectively.
It has been 2 years and here I am still jobless. My being jobless and having no
own means of income are burden, not just to me but to my parents and my family.
I rely on a monthly allowance that is from the interest of the money being lent
by my parents to the people that need it. It is more than enough 95% of the
time but sometimes it is just a dime short for my needs. But I never go hungry
and I occasionally buy stuff that makes me happy. Sometimes I get to save,
sometimes I don’t. There are some opportunities that came, some I failed to
answer or acknowledge, some I didn’t get, some I declined. I think I’ve always
known what I want and more often than not, those opportunities do not present
me with that. I am a little embarrassed to myself, to people, to my parents,
that at this age I have not earned my own money since the short lived call
center stint I had and left at for my nursing training. I am just lucky that my
parents do not pressure me to get a job other than what I really want. A job
that will make use of my hard earned degree and sought after profession.
Yesterday, I
went to file my application at University of Santo Tomas Hospital, for what
appears to be the third time, almost a year after I finished my
Medical-Surgical Nurse Training Program there. I don’t know what happened and
why it is taking so long for them to hire me. I am not the smartest nurse there
is but I am not dumb rock to begin with, so to speak. My clinical preceptor
even told me then that I am the best preceptee she had and that I am the first
to ever get a line if 9 rating from her. I am quick on my feet. I make sure I
know what I need to know and I know how to do what needs to be done. I hate not
knowing and the answer ‘I don’t know’ is not acceptable to me. But human as I
am, I do not know everything there is under the sun but I make sure I ask and I
read and I learn on and about it because not knowing after being confronted
with something you are supposed to know the second time is never acceptable. My
being compassionate, hardworking, and conscientious make up for my not being a
latin award honoree and for not knowing someone from the inside or from the
system so I can get the job express. All these do not answer the question, why
hasn’t USTH called me yet?
I have
always wanted to become a nurse. Or maybe even a bit more than just a nurse. I wanted
to become a doctor or a lawyer. My relatives and friends say I can do it and I
will make a good doctor or lawyer. But my parents are already of age and my
siblings and I wanted them to retire early so I didn’t push to overburden them
with my academic needs more than what they can stress-free provide. Right now,
I want to practice my profession. I want to care for people, to touch and even
change lives. I want to make a difference in an indifferent world. I miss
talking to people and caring for them and making them feel that they are well
taken care of, that they are not alone. I miss the touch I give to convey that
I do care and that to me they are not cases and patients but people that need
all the help that they can get to get through all these that they have to get
through. I miss the smell of antiseptics and bleach and even the pungent smell
that hospitals reek of. I miss doing what matters. I miss doing what matters to
me the most.
My license
expires in 10 months and despite the three hospital training I had since, I
have not fully used it. I know I chose to wait. I chose USTH over a much bigger
and more recognized institution. And for the past year and a half, this is the
cycle of choices I made and still making. I choose to wait.
Right now, I
sit 8-9 hours a day in a classroom or computer laboratory 5 days a week in preparation
for my foreign licensure. When I still can, I read and answer a minimum of 2
chapters a day and 150 questions a day. I am far from proving to NCBSN that I
am a competent nurse, but I am not that far that I know before the year ends, I
can call myself a USRN, too.
My life is
imperfect, almost too imperfect that I ask myself everyday, ‘Why is this
happening to me? or ‘Why do I seem to unfortunate that I have to wait this
long?’ I feel helpless and sometimes even hopeless and I do seem to be just
going along the waves and along the status quo. Most of my choices have broken
me instead of making me before but this time around, my choice to wait and intensely
cling to that goal and purpose is going to make me this time around. With that and
with all the blessings I am getting, I am beyond thankful.
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