Friday, November 23, 2012

Personal Paradox


Hey X,

I feel unwanted today. Like a broken toy or an old piece of clothing. Dusty. Worn out. Torn. Out of place. Replaceable. I don’t know if it is normal to feel all these bad things at once. What I am sure of is that this is something I wouldn't want any person I love to feel.

I also feel helpless. No power. No means to actually create a fire, let alone spark a plug.

I feel numb and hurt both at the same time. I cannot explain why and I feel embarrassed even to myself to admit why.

I guess this is the price you have to pay when you are aloof, frigid, cold, and emotionally distant. When you push people away and far from you.

But sometimes, all I want is for them to pull me closer the harder I push them away. Sometimes, all I want is for them to need me back.

And yet again, I am selfish and I always ask for too much.


Not that you listen but thanks,

N

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Of burgers and tears


Dear X,

I cannot talk about things like this to anyone that even my shrink tells me I am being illogical. So I am writing this down here just in case someone understands. I’m going to start calling you X from now on because I do not know and I couldn’t be sure who is reading this, whether someone does, so I’m going to start referring to you as the variable ‘X’.


My dad just brought me my favorite burger not over an hour ago. And my reaction was more of horror than thankful. I figured he had to leave work early today and I hope it is not because he finds a need to buy me a freaking burger. Thing is, he brought me this big burger which I am fond of eating before, which I never eat anymore. And that has to mean one thing after his question early this morning before we went for our usual run.

I am not sure what gave him the idea but he asked me if I slept in late last night. I can’t bring myself to look in the mirror to check if my eyes are puffy or red or both. If that’s what gave everything away. I didn't know I slept crying last night, like I didn't know that I do for the past months. I answered ‘no’ and he didn't give a fuss anymore.

I respect so much of my dad, more so for respecting my privacy and not asking too many questions that’s only going to make me tear up. The last thing I want to do is to cry in front of my parents. But I guess, my silence is worst than my crying itself. I do not know if my mom has told him of why I am like this (not that I said much), whatever I am like these days or for the past months. Why I find it necessary to go home whenever I can (because I cannot be left alone in my dorm room, because I will just start crying and bawling and shrinking into a ball and cry all over again). Why I push myself to run at least a mile a day or until my legs hurt. Why I do not eat or sleep or talk too much like I used to. Why I always ask for hugs. Why I cut my hair. Why I am not the same happy person that I once was.

I can only hope that they do not worry about me. Another thing I don’t want them to do is to worry about me, not when they are leaving in a few months.

Are dads always like this? Do they easily pick up what troubles their daughters? Do they sense that they are hurt or sad or feeling abandoned? Do they really feel something is wrong even if we do not speak of it?


Daddy, I know you are not ever going to read this but thank you. Thank you for all these. For not asking more than what I can answer, for keeping me on my feet, for always making me feel that I am worth it and that I am worthy of all the love in this world. I love you and I love that I will always be your girl.

I love you that much that I ate half of the burger even if I didn’t want to. I ate it even if it made me feel sick and that it was hard for me to stomach it. Partly, I ate it because I do not want you to worry and I do not like you thinking that something is wrong (even when there is truly something wrong).

I hope this is the first and last burger. Not only because I do not want to eat it, but also because I do not think the burger is going to help me get that space between my thighs. :)


Love you Dad,

Wanina

Monday, November 19, 2012

Of pain and getting inked


Hey you, if anyone’s out there, if anyone still stumbles into this blog I keep for my sanity, if anyone still bothers to read,


I want to get a tattoo. No, that’s not it. I will get a tattoo. Get myself inked. Not a henna. A real one, the type that uses those scary needles to beautifully scar your skin with a solid black color.

I have been thinking about this for a few months now. And I think, at the back of my mind I have always wanted one. And I know that people who know me personally would not approve should they find out. My parents would freak out. My dad mostly and seeing my tattoo might give him a coronary. As for my mom, I don’t know. I think she’ll hate me for a while but I don’t think there’s anything they can do since you can’t erase it (unless they’d rather see me with big keloid scars over where the tattoo used to lay). As for my friends, I guess they’d keep an open mind. As for my future lover who will see it one way or another, I can only hope that he won’t judge. After all, I feel empowered by getting one. I feel that my current state of pain and helplessness will be gone once and for all if I get through the pain of getting inked. Well, maybe, maybe not. I can only hope that he’d still see me for what and who I really am despite the thing marked on my skin.

So for ideas…

I want a tattoo on my wrist. Not yet sure of what. Not yet sure whether on the right one or left but that’s not what worries me. I am a nurse and people tend to really judge people with inks, let alone a nurse who has one on her wrist. So, um, I guess not.

I want an anchor tattoo. A simple anchor. This is more of a symbolism and I don’t think it is necessary to explain what an anchor symbolizes. This would look good on my lower back, left or right, I have yet to decide.

Or maybe a good phrase from a good book I have read. Or a song lyric. Not sure what exactly since most of my favorite quotes from a book or lyrics from a song are sentences long. And what worries me with this is what if I don’t believe in that saying anymore? Nevertheless, I think another option is getting one on my inner torso.

Birds. Birds. I can’t even begin to start to talk about how this is my best idea for a tattoo. Birds. Again, this is a symbolism. A bird flies and is free. And that is basically what I think I am – free. I am in awe of these beautiful bird tattoos on the back and since there aren't really rules that say you can’t copy someone’s tattoo, I think I’ll get this one.

I know I have to think and rethink about this more. I got time. I feel like getting one for my birthday or before my birthday. Or when my parents are no longer here in the country that they can’t chastise me for being so reckless, not that I think getting inked is reckless.





I haven’t even thought about the pain. I am not afraid of needles and I think I have a degree of tolerance to pain. I think getting pins of needles on your bare skin can mask whatever pain one has. But nevertheless, I can only hope that that future lover of mine won’t not only judge but kiss that tattoo of mine as he kisses all my pain goodbye, as I tell him my story. :)

x,

N


Saturday, October 13, 2012

15 Random Photos in my Instagram

Feet in Glads, Nathan Road, Kowloon, Hong Kong

 The Peak, Hong Kong

 Nurse's Cap, On Duty

 Heaven's Gate, Iba, Zambales

 Light in the Dark, Iba, Zambales

 Seeing Ian Somerhalder, My Birthday

 Red Ballet Flats, Payless

 Cardio Steth, Littmann

 Prayers, A-Ma Temple, Hong Kong

 Chandeliers, Grand Lisboa, Macau

 Moi Au Naturel

 Christian Grey searching for Ana, Matt Bomer

Feet Candy, Sperry's Top Sider

 Nina, My almost-4 year old niece

Beef Jerkies, Senado Square, Macau

What am I going to lose?


I may have just agreed to go back to the hospital soon.


Since UST Hospital has not called me yet for any exam or interview for the probationary / contractual Staff Nurse post after finishing the training last June and after having submitted all requirements last July, and after waiting for months and months, I have finally decided to look the other way. After all, I cannot wait forever and doing so is such a silly thing to do seen this way that opportunities are lacking and not everyone is given the chance.


So after almost 4 months of hiatus in the practice, I decided, why wait for USTH if I can go and train for a little while at SLMC?

A couple of days ago I got a text from the personnel from St. Luke’s to come in for an orientation the next day. I was pretty ambivalent about it, mind you. Not because I still have not get over the USTH but because my sister and my niece are coming over from the US for Christmas and my parents might emigrate there early next year and this Christmas is our first Christmas together in almost 6 years (probably even longer considering my sister isn’t always present during Christmases because of her job at the hospital) since my sister left the country and sadly, the last. That means, the three-month training, should I finally decide to take all three phases, will take most of my time and I won’t be there for reunions, parties, road trips, dinners, and such because I am here in Manila and Zambales is almost 6 hours bus ride away.

I almost, almost did not take the opportunity. Family weighs more than the training itself. As a matter of fact, while sitting there while listening to the orientation, I have decided I won’t be going to anymore, even if it took a while to submit and receive a callback, and even if it is St. Luke’s. But then they gave us this shotgun IQ test which contains 84 random grammar and Math questions that we have to take for only 15 minutes, something I am not sure I’d pass. Among the 60 first priority applicants present that day, only 11 passed including myself. So that should amount to something right? What happens to the 49, I don’t know, but for me not to take this chance is probably not any difference to their fate. So I took a leap of faith and decided I will take this chance. After all, not everyone is given this chance.

I am not yet sure what I will do come December that my sister and my niece, whom I am meeting for the first time, get here. I am not yet sure what I will do should there be calls from elsewhere, something of great importance than this training. I don’t know. I am not yet sure. But I will take this chance and the days after the next as they go along. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Applying and Taking the NCLEX: New York Dreams

UPDATE: I took my NCLEX-RN just this Wednesday, October 16, 2013, 9:00 am Philippine Standard Time, at Pearson Professional Center, Trident Tower Makati, Metro Manila. I tried the Pearson Vue Trick about 3 hours later, got a good pop up, and last night, October 18, I found out through my unofficial quick results posted on my Pearson Vue account that I passed! I will create a separate post to share my NCLEX-RN experience soon! :)


For a much updated post about the how-to apply, visit the link below:
http://hernameisninanicole.blogspot.com/2013/06/filipino-nurse-diy-application-for.html



NCLEX: State of New York



I have come across many friends and acquaintances who asked me for help and questions about how I processed my application to be a licensed nurse in the USA. To tell you honestly, I am just as clueless as they are when I was first starting last July. I think I am blessed enough to have friends who helped me figure it all out because, as many of you have known, it isn’t a walk in the park. And boy, it isn’t cheap either.

When I passed my local boards which I took last July 2011, I originally wanted to take the NCLEX right away. I, however, opted to postpone the application due to other priorities and taking into consideration the fact that there are no job offers to Filipino Nurses like myself in the US and that I am in need of at least a year clinical or hospital experience (which isn’t easy to get at this time) in order to be considered. My original plan was to apply to the State of Vermont. Why Vermont you ask? If my sources are correct, the State of Vermont is one of the states which process applications faster, that in just a span of four months you can already take the test. Since I put my thought of applying on hold, the State of Vermont changed some of its requirements and is now requiring its applicants to have a valid US Social Security Number which I do not have since I am not an Immigrant to the US. So major change of plans and back to zero all over again. Another option was to apply in the State of California since my family is there, however the California Board of Nursing has modified provisions and has gotten stricter, not to mention they, too, require a valid SSN. So no luck there. The State of Arizona, where my sister is at the moment, is out of the picture as well since they require SSN, too.

So if you are getting the drift, my whole idea where to apply is dependent on the idea of which state does not require SSN. Why? Because you cannot work in the US without a valid SSN. I am not sure what other states does not require SSN but I have been told by a friend that the State of New York doesn’t. Since New York is a pretty good place to practice, regardless of the high cost of living, I am determined to try. From there I started building my New York dreams.

I have compiled the series of steps to take in applying for licensure in the State of New York. If this is the State you wish to get licensed at, continue reading. If not, then decide first where then start from there.

Step 1: Decide which US State you wish to get licensed at: State of New York

Step 2: Take the 1st 2 NY Mandated Courses Online 


Register and pay and take the coursework in the allotted time.
§  Identification and Reporting of Child Abuse in NYS - 3.25 hrs - $ 20
§  New York State Mandated Infection Control Training - 4 hrs - $ 25

The results will be mailed directly to NYSED. I, however, haven’t taken this yet since I am busy. But once CGFNS is on its way, it is important that I have already passed this so the results will be sent to NYSED.

Step 3.1: Accomplish and mail the Credential Verification Service (via CGFNS) Forms

Since I am a foreign graduate, the New York State requires my credentials to be verified and authenticated by CGFNS. Applying online costs $390 and via mail is a little bit more.


Download the Application Forms and brochures at http://cgfns.org/sections/programs/cvs
Everything you need to know about CGFNS is there. You can either apply online or via mail, again, the difference is there. I applied online because it is cheaper and faster. Mind you though that CVS takes about 4 to 12 months to be processed. And they will only give you a year to have everything sent and accomplished or your application will be voided and you need to apply and pay again.

Mail the duly accomplished Application Forms to: PO Box 8628, Philadelphia, PA 19101- 8628. I mailed my accomplished forms through DHL in front of the PRC. You will probably get confused (like I did) why the address the courier will send it to is to a different address or office but under CGFNS as well. I was told that they do not send documents or parcels to PO boxes because no one will sign for it. I asked the manong there so many questions and in the end he got irritated to me and told me he has been dealing with this for years and not one document got lost or not received. So I trusted him and mailed and it was received by CGFNS. Check the status on your account online. Mailing via DHL costs Php 1400 and that is for three days.

CGFNS will contact your school and your licensing body which is the Philippine Regulation Commission (PRC) to authenticate your transcript of records and license respectively. This is an office to office transaction. Once your school and PRC receive the documents from CGFNS, they will mail it back to them. This will take a while, almost forever, I have been told, and I just got from my school and PRC to check if they received it already but I was asked to check on it again since  I just applied for CGFNS this early August. Once your school and PRC sent the authenticated documents to PRC, CGFNS will review this and will send a report to NYSED or NY BON. Once NY BON received the issued report from CGFNS that your CVS is completed, you will receive your eligibility to take the exam. 

CGFNS will not notify you that an issued report to NYSED was sent so make sure that you check the status of your application online. If in any case you have not received your eligibility after CGFNS issued a report to NY, you can email them and ask about it at OPUNIT4@MAIL.NYSED.GOV

Step 3.2: Accomplish and mail the NY Application Form

Mail the duly accomplished Application Forms with the application fee to:
New York State Education Department, Office of the Professions, PO Box 22063, Albany,
NY 12201.

I mailed this a day later I mailed my CGFNS documents. You have to accomplish this alongside CGFNS but you can also delay it as NYSED won’t process your application until CVS is completed and an issued report has been sent to NYSED.

The mode of payment (bank draft or money order) can be confusing as well so make sure you read the application form and everything in it. As for me, I paid using a bank draft from PNB. I don’t really know how it works as I had my parents processed it for me. The payment should be made in dollars for $140 and for bank drafts I think you need to have a dollar account in an internationally recognized bank and they will issue a check paid to NYSED. I used the Philippine National Bank (PNB) and they have an office in New York. I heard you can also use Metrobank and Banco de Oro (BDO) as well.

From this on, you have to wait for the issued report of CGFNS to NYSED by checking the status of your order or application on the CGFNS website and the eligibility to take the test from NYSED.

Step 4: Once you received your eligibility, register to take the test

Go to http://www.pearsonvue.com and the test is for about $200.

I have not taken this step yet as I am still on the CGFNS-CVS part. :)
If you have seen that you have an issued report already and you have not received your eligibility yet, you can email NYSED. Wait for the eligibility to take the test before you apply for the actual examination.

Step 5: Wait for your ATT

Once you registered to Pearson Value, wait for a max of 48 hours and you'll receive your ATT. The ATT might be received a little later, like a week or something to some cases.

Step 6: Schedule the test

I have not figure out where I’ll take the test yet.

Step 7: Take and Pass the test!

In God’s will, in a span of 1 year, or hopefully even less, I will already take my NCLEX. But as of now, I am self-reviewing, so by next year, I can start savoring the beginning of my New York dreams. :)




This is pretty much what I know about it. As you can see, I am just trying to figure it all out myself. I am just thankful to my friends (Louie, Kuya JP, Ate Justine, and Red) for helping me out and for patiently answering my sometimes annoying and stupid questions about the application.

Should you have questions, feel free to comment. If you, too, are an applicant who is trying to figure it all out yourself like me, let’s help each other and I would love to hear from you! :)


“Help others get ahead. Remember: 
You will always stand taller with someone else on your shoulder.”

Nin

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Heavenly Butterscotch Bars

This is my take on Butterscotch Bars or Butterscotch Brownie. I made these alongside the Marble Cake on my previous post and some Brownies (which didn't look like Brownies by the way). Haha!



Butterscotch Bars
Yields about 1 - 1/2 dozen of mini butterscotch

Ingredients:

2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup ground walnuts
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup shortening
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
*Honey for glazing when hot, if desired


Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease an 8 inch square baking pan.
2. In large bowl, cream the shortening, brown sugar, vanilla and eggs. In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, walnuts, baking powder and salt. Slowly add to egg mixture, stirring until well blended. Spread dough evenly into the prepared pan.
3. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, or until inserted toothpick comes out clean.